It’s always surprising to see how much relationships can change over time, even over just one year, with people you have taken to be in your close orbit of family and friends. When I was growing up in a large Big Fat Greek family, each year we gathered at the home of one of my many aunts, uncles and cousins. My own parents hosted as well, and we would often have gatherings of over 40 people from ages one to near 90. To make room, we would break out the folding chairs and card tables. We enjoyed a gigantic potluck dinner spread on Thanksgiving, sang Christmas carols to the piano, and cracked eggs with each other at Easter in a game where the winner held the last intact egg. We line danced to Greek music. Food was overflowing. Drinking alcohol was minimal, as Greeks can be loud and boisterous without any help.
That large number has since drastically diminished. Career moves took my brother and many cousins out of town, and the number of extended family members shrank as those in my age group had few or no kids. Then there was the passing of grandparents and most of those aunts and uncles who used to host those big gatherings. As is expected, greater focus turned to one’s immediate family. And yes, disagreements and “family baggage” led to fissures, stemming from what Greeks call “pono,” a feeling of personal hurt, and hence avoidance. As happens to many families over time, what you once found to be a giant social and emotional support network has atrophied. Close friendships can help fill in this loss, and might even prove to be durable, but it’s like the old saying goes, “You can pick your friends but not your family.”
Too often we muddle through relationships with family and friends, expecting that our own view of how that two-way street (sometimes three or more) ought to prevail. But the reality is the holidays are not always the best time for “mending fences” with those in your social orbit, even if Christmas movies on the Hallmark Channel make it appear that this happens all time. It takes bold and honest gestures like saying you’re sorry or asking for forgiveness before genuine relationship repairs can occur. These are the most difficult expressions for a human to utter and can be as hard to summon up as a 60-degree August afternoon in St. Louis. On this issue, I tend to agree with Mel Robbins in her book “Let Them,” which, as the title suggests, is to move past the slights and disagreements that have turned you off and let you down. If you still value the relationship, accept it as it is and adjust your expectations accordingly. We need to realize that despite how much we think we can, we can’t change others no matter how hard we try, and continuing to attempt it will only lead to endless disappointment and frustration. People are who they are.
The point is, having an open heart to others while holding our expectations in check can go a long way. My parents practiced this their entire lives and always kept a welcoming and open home during the holidays. They left the earth beloved, admired and respected. What else can you ask for?
Besides, we’re now moving into an age where AI-generated companions, humanoid robots (yes, they’re real, here and improving) and other “virtual friends” will be offered up as new members of our social circle. For those with fewer family and friends, I fear this will be a tempting but ultimately unfulfilling option. I doubt an AI companion will be able to sit around the same table to enjoy the same Thanksgiving turkey, sweet potatoes and pumpkin pie as we do, or share the same childhood memories.
Value and cherish the company, memories and stories with the real people in your life, as we’ll never replace the authentic relationships we are blessed with. Indeed, this year, take a Thanksgiving challenge and tell at least one treasured family member or friend who’s stood the test of time that you are thankful that they are part of your life.
