I just recently have become a cell phone user.

I’m no expert on the things. Truth is, I haven’t been able to find the phone since the day after I got it. I never knew my phone number so I can’t call myself and search for it while it rings.

My wife probably knows the name of our cell phone company, but be-cause I’ve never used a cell phone, I don’t miss it. Because I don’t miss having it, it never occurs to me to ask her the name of our company so I can call it, find out what my cell phone number is, then call myself and find the cell phone.

Because I’m not able to use my cell phone, I feel left out, not part of the group. Well, like Groucho Marx, I’ve never wanted to be part of any group that would have me. The day I had my cell phone was spent reading the little booklet that came with the phone. When I tried to call work, I kept dialing the wrong number be-cause the buttons were so little and my fingers too big.

But not knowing where my phone is troubles me. Has my battery gone dead? Am I roaming? Have I missed a text message? If somebody sent me a text message, how did they know my cell phone number?

How can I customize my cell phone ring if I can’t find my cell phone?

How can I get Chaka Kahn’s voice into that little phone so that every time someone calls me I hear “tell me something good?”

And because I’m not always on a cell phone, I guess I’m not with it. I never noticed the things in use until I had a cell phone and lost it. Now, I notice people talking on them everywhere. Have people been using these things very long?

At a restaurant the other day there were four people seated at the same table having a spirited conversation. Soon it dawned on me that all of them had a hand to their ear and they were all involved in conversations with people who were not present, ignoring those in their presence.

I’m beginning to hate riding in the car with my wife because she’s always turning down the car radio to be able to talk on her cell phone. I’d rather listen to music than unintentionally eavesdrop on her conversations. Do people really need to have cell phone conversations?

Odd. I thought cell phone ownership would connect me with the rest of the world. Now, I’m wondering if the darn things aren’t driving us all further apart.